Why is she still with him? Women stay for different reasons.
WRITTEN BY ROCHELLE RICHEY
I am a survivor of domestic abuse. If you’ve never walked in those shoes consider yourself blessed. It is a situation that doesn’t start over night. It is a manipulating tedious process. It usually starts as a child. When a child is exposed to this sort of violence, it is a high probability that he or she will experience some type of violence as an adult. He will be an abuser or she will be a victim or vice versa. If you look into an abuser’s past, I’m sure that you will find some type of abuse or violence and the same for the victim’s past.
The abuser never seeks the strong women. He seeks the broken, low self-esteem, type of female. So it is true when a strong woman says that ” It will never happen to me” because he’s not looking for you, he’s intimidated by you. He can’t break you. He’s looking for the one that is already broken… someone that he can save or rescue. He’s looking for the women that’s seeking love without even knowing what it is… someone who is trying to fill a void…someone who’s just as broken as he is.
There are many reasons that may hinder her from leaving right away. The first is fear because when she leaves, she must be sure that she has a game plan that will be so tight that she will never have to return. It’s not just breaking up with some boyfriend. An Abuser is a controlling master manipulator and the mere thought of losing her is astronomical to him. He would do anything to maintain that control. To sum this up, there are a lot of factors that come into play when leaving. Lifestyle is one of the main reasons. She has given this man all of her. So he is her world. He is the provider. The abuser is very controlling so in most situations he handles everything; meaning all finances. When she realizes that her lover has become her enemy and her home is no longer a safe haven, she knows at some point she must leave. But leaving means that she has to be willing to start a new life, new schools, new friends for the kids, new bank accounts, new job, and if possible a new state. She has to dig deep inside of herself to find the strength and courage to face the fact that she is leaving with nothing and sometimes have no tangible skills to provide for herself. By the time she gets the courage to leave, she may not have any friends or family that will help… because that is the first thing her abuser manipulates from her life…and depending on the level of abuse, most are even threatened to be killed. She’s already emotionally shattered and the thought of relocating is too much to deal with alone . So she stays and tries to make it better. Which never happens. She’s stuck with living with a controlling, stalking, woman beater. The Law doesn’t protect her. She’s broken and on her own.
When a woman finds the courage to leave her abuser, she’s truly a survivor. It’s a very dark world behind closed doors that no woman should ever have to experience.
Abuse is a form of self-hate. He hates himself and he takes it out on the person that loves him because he feels he doesn’t deserve to be loved..and she accepts the abuse because that is the only type of false love that she may have seen in her life. Two broken people. The two need to get help and address the pain in their life. If not, the child who is witnessing these fights is being setup for the same experience.There are some that grow up and vow never to hit a woman or be abused but they are the exceptions to the rule.
So please be careful on your social media timelines and water cooler conversations, when speaking about what you would have done if it were you… because 1 out of every 3 women is in or have experienced domestic abuse. Which means, they are on your timelines, they are in your churches, they are in your workplaces, they are in the supermarket grocery lines and they are in your families. And although you are free to speak your opinion, you don’t want your words to cause someone to not come forward for help because they are feeling ashamed and judged.
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The Birth of Something New is a written testimonial from the Author about her experience and journey from ” Religion to a Personal relationship with God. It is highly recommended to read her Memoir “A Black Rose Thrived” in order to get a full understanding of her Journey from a life of sin to a relationship with the Savior.
Humiliating or embarrassing you.
- Constant put-downs.
- Refusing to communicate.
- Ignoring or excluding you.
- Extramarital affairs.
- Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
- Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
- Unreasonable jealousy.
- Extreme moodiness.
- Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
- Saying “I love you but…”
- Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
- Domination and control.
- Withdrawal of affection.
- Guilt trips.
- Making everything your fault.
- Isolating you from friends and family.
- Using money to control.
- Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
- Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.
It is important to remember is that it is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you.
Abusers can convince you that you do not deserve better treatment or that they are treating you this way to “help” you. Some abusers even act quite charming and nice in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private is a different story, which is also quite baffling.
If you see yourself in these words, know that there is little hope for your relationship to improve. It would take a monumental amount of insight and motivation for the abuser to change and unfortunately, this is rarely the case. If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you to get out and with professional help if needed. Often the first step in leaving the abuser is obtaining counseling just to rebuild your esteem so that you can leave. I particularly want you to know that you may “love” this person, but that they do not “love” you or respect you. I assure you that in time you will get over this person if you break it off. You will be making the right decision … no looking back.
This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 21 Signs You’re In An Emotionally Abuse
If he (or she) does ANY of these things, you need to get out and get help.
Women don’t plan to enter into abusive relationships. In fact, many women who’ve escaped abusive relationships swear to themselves that they will never get into another one, only to find themselves becoming victims of abuse once again.
Sadly, it takes an average of five to seven acts of violence before a woman leaves her abuser. So, why not plan to avoid entering into an abusive relationship in the first place?
It’s easier to avoid an abusive relationship if you’re able to detect the early signs. The Women’s Center distributed the following list for women seeking domestic violence counseling. A path to a safer, healthier and happier life often starts with a bit of knowledge. If your partner displays the following behaviors, it’s possible you’re in an abusive relationship.
1. He pushes for quick involvement. He comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this before by anyone.” You get pressured for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. There’s constant jealousy. Your partner is excessively possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly.
3. He’s controlling. He interrogates you intensely about who you talked to and where you were, checks mileage on the car, keeps all the money or asks for receipts, and insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. He has very unrealistic expectations. He expects perfection from you and for you to meet their every need.
5. There’s isolation. He tries to cut you off from family and friends, deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job.
6. He blames others for his own mistakes. The boss, family, you — it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.
7. He makes everyone else responsible for their feelings. The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I’m angry.” “I wouldn’t get so pissed off if you wouldn’t…
8. He’s hypersensitive. He’s easily insulted and will often rant and rave about injustices that are just part of life.
9. He’s cruel to animals and children. He kills or punishes animals brutally. He also may expect children to do things beyond their ability or tease them until they cry.
10. His uses “playful” force during sex. He enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will; he finds the idea of rape exciting. He intimidates, manipulates or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts.
11. There’s verbal abuse. He constantly criticizes you or says cruel things. He degrades, curses and calls you ugly names. He will use vulnerable points about your past or current life against you.
12. There are rigid gender roles in the relationship. He expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
13. He has sudden mood swings. He switches from loving to angry in a matter of minutes.
14. He has a past of battering. He admits to hitting women in the past, but states that they or the situation brought it on.
15. He threatens violence. He makes statements such as, “I’ll break your neck,” but then dismisses it with “I really didn’t mean it.”
If you’ve experienced domestic violence in the past, you may benefit from this article, Healing From Trauma With EFT. If you need help, or protection, to get out or stay out of an abusive relationship, get in touch with your local (The) Women’s Center, or search their main site at The Woman’s Center.
NOTE: Though females are the primary victims in Domestic Violence, it is not always the case; males can also be victims (over 25 percent). Some resources to check into for both male and female victims are: safehorizon.org, ncdva.org, and nomore.org.